Teru (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
mirrorteru) wrote2023-08-20 06:10 am
mirrorteru) wrote2023-08-20 06:10 am
Entry tags:
Nearing the end of August already...
It's 6AM and I need to sleep, but first off I kind of want to post here?
Mostly due to just. Multiple trains of thoughts. One of which being--- it's been a couple months since my brother died, which is... weird? Life continues on, which is well and good, I have been able to draw a little bit more (though... not to where I am entirely happy with yet, if I'm being COMPLETELY honest), creative output has at least not been, like, awful.
The summer has been incredibly hot. It feels like the last days of relief we had WAS the week of my brothers death-- it was rainy, it was downright cool when we went to visit my cousins house to talk about the stuff. It was actually really pleasant, compared to the hell of near-constant over 100 degree weather. Really, fall can't come soon enough... even if fall likely won't feel like fall, but like. ANYTHING better than what we have now.
I've been mostly okay, though, emotionally. I can handle things better now, to where I am playing Nier:Replicant on stream again, and plan to start up Paranormasight again soon. That being said, any time I look at his picture in our little memorial of the lost area on the kitchen wall (we... have one now, I guess) I. Still feel pain. Thinking about him hurts. The little moments of remembering 'oh, right. he's actually gone. that actually did happen. he's really, really gone' just. Still hit.
Hell. I was looking through to delete old spam text messages on my phone, since I haven't deleted messages on there for years for... some reason, and when I reached the last one, I was confused, because I wasn't sure who I would have texted. (note: i like, almost never use text for messaging).
I check to see who it could have been. And. It was me texting him if he could come by and help us bring our at the time dying dog Takuya to the vet bc I was so so worried for Takuya. And he was like yeah of course after work. and I said thanks.
And that... just. Was an arrow through my heart. Had moments of wishing I could have talked to him more again. How there was so much time I could have, but didn't outside of him coming by the house. The texts were from like, December 2017, near the very end of the year. There was so much time and I didn't even know it.
I wish I could have told him my project and character ideas. Even if he wouldn't have gotten it. And now he won't be able to see whatever I end up putting out.
Mostly due to just. Multiple trains of thoughts. One of which being--- it's been a couple months since my brother died, which is... weird? Life continues on, which is well and good, I have been able to draw a little bit more (though... not to where I am entirely happy with yet, if I'm being COMPLETELY honest), creative output has at least not been, like, awful.
The summer has been incredibly hot. It feels like the last days of relief we had WAS the week of my brothers death-- it was rainy, it was downright cool when we went to visit my cousins house to talk about the stuff. It was actually really pleasant, compared to the hell of near-constant over 100 degree weather. Really, fall can't come soon enough... even if fall likely won't feel like fall, but like. ANYTHING better than what we have now.
I've been mostly okay, though, emotionally. I can handle things better now, to where I am playing Nier:Replicant on stream again, and plan to start up Paranormasight again soon. That being said, any time I look at his picture in our little memorial of the lost area on the kitchen wall (we... have one now, I guess) I. Still feel pain. Thinking about him hurts. The little moments of remembering 'oh, right. he's actually gone. that actually did happen. he's really, really gone' just. Still hit.
Hell. I was looking through to delete old spam text messages on my phone, since I haven't deleted messages on there for years for... some reason, and when I reached the last one, I was confused, because I wasn't sure who I would have texted. (note: i like, almost never use text for messaging).
I check to see who it could have been. And. It was me texting him if he could come by and help us bring our at the time dying dog Takuya to the vet bc I was so so worried for Takuya. And he was like yeah of course after work. and I said thanks.
And that... just. Was an arrow through my heart. Had moments of wishing I could have talked to him more again. How there was so much time I could have, but didn't outside of him coming by the house. The texts were from like, December 2017, near the very end of the year. There was so much time and I didn't even know it.
I wish I could have told him my project and character ideas. Even if he wouldn't have gotten it. And now he won't be able to see whatever I end up putting out.