mirrorteru | A Death in the Family

I was typing this out originally on Tumblr, but realized with the length... might as well put it on the Journal Website, right?

Long story short, my brother died in a car accident. We got the call at 5AM. It's been... a time. I'm copy pasting from Tumblr.

honestly i've already been aware that I likely experience grief a bit weirdly compared to others on behalf of my ~neurodivergence~

but I guess I don't mind it

like yeah it'll probably all hit whenever the funeral actually happens but

like i'm mostly vibing now, even if having random moments of >thinks of him in regards to something >gets Sad >is fine like. ten minutes later. >rinse repeat whenever

Probably also the fact that my relationship to him as a sibling was-- different. We didn't really live together most of my life. But. Even so, he's still my brother, so it hits hard? I still loved him. Even if I was really bad at showing it.

I'm more worried about my mom, really.

---

Maybe it could be weird if I'm taking my own emotions as a matter-of-fact? I dunno. Even the initial shock was-- more like my body reacting, if that makes sense. It was an immediate thing before my mind really comprehended what was going on, the fact it happened.

Now, thinking about it does hurt-- like, I was just laughing along to tiktoks, about to just go to sleep, before I heard my mom's voice in a weird way. I wasn't sure what it was, was a bit worried like 'wait was that a laugh or a sob?', initial thoughts wasn't anything regarding my brother-- it was 'oh shoot something didn't happen to rose or binki did it' (our pets)

hell, I didn't even hear right the first time. I thought my dad said Sophie and I was just. Confused. And for the second like (???? we know a Sophie??) but then he corrected and it was like

Instant disbelief? i couldn't say anything but 'no', then realized how my mom must be feeling, went to her, held her, and that's when the sobs started. And I like. Started hyperventilating even outside of sobbing. If I'm being honest, because of the disconnect between my mind and body there, it felt-- like an act? Like I was faking it? Reacting as such because my mother was, so that seemed correct?

Obviously it wasn't an act, and I wasn't faking it, but honestly that's a common weird disconnect between me and my emotions that's been around since I was a kid anyway, so. Unsurprising it'd show up there.

All three of us were just. In shock. Dad was in shock, mom was.. well, what you would expect. Broken. And I was just... ...honestly, trying to be by her side the whole time. I was worried for her, worried for her health, worried for her heart, worried for her mentality...

I was almost just gonna watch Generation Loss Episode 1 to distract myself too bc I really just. Felt that I could not go to sleep at that point. Like. How do you.

Eventually dad did decide we should all probably at least try to lay down, and I didn't really fall asleep until.... 7AM? (this all happened at 5AM, when we got the call)

I got up at like... actually was it 10? 11? I don't remember. and. Well, the cloud was very noticable. All of us were just... downtrodden. I had the feeling sadness in my throat-- like, when you want to cry but aren't at that point yet, and you feel it there? That was there for most of Saturday. I made ourselves some bacon and eggs with biscuits, then. Went to lay back down-- I didn't intend to go to sleep, but I did? Which is good, I got genuine sleep, woke up at 3PM. Dads friends had come over (which he insisted-- understandably. Support from friends is important. One of them cried, too.)

Moms friend from across the street came over to check on us too while dad was out dropping his friends off, we had veggie burgers that night...

Oh, and my other brother-- the younger of the two, went to go to where our late brother's body was. See what happened, talk, see his body. He did a few video calls with us-- and. Between us and our late brother's wife, saw his body on a group video chat. He looked like he was sleeping, if with a couple cuts on his face.

Still don't know what exactly caused his death in the accident. I assume internal bleeding. He did another live later in the day, showing his wrecked truck. It... was bad. Like the drivers side SPECIFICALLY was crushed and mangled

Sunday, I woke up feeling a bit better--- got some genuine sleep. My dreams have been my normal. Pretty sure it had Ranboo in it.

We went off to be with family for most of the day. Saw them and hugged them. My brothers wife, his kids, my cousins, aunts, grandma.... we were there for a few hours, though I wound up going to the car for an hour because it was becoming way too overwhelming for me. Too many people, too many voices, too loud. Napped an hour. Went back in just in time for pizza, apparently. Left after that. Had bacon and egg tacos for our dinner. Went to sleep. Now I'm awake, gonna go back to sleep.

Emotionally now, I feel better from Saturday. As described in the previous post, it's like... vibing? But little things reminding me and making me think of him ends up making me sad. But then I'm fine like 10 minutes later. Rinse repeat.

We'll see how Monday plays out. I just know I want to cook chicken for enchiladas. We were wanting to make enchiladas for a couple weeks now.

A Death in the Family

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